Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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