You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bring me that man meat
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
