Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I looked at my own cervix.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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