I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
