wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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