question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
