so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
