You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
