Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
