I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
