She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
