im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
