you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
