If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
