OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
