Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
