i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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