giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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