we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
