i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
