i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
