I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
What a dumb baby whore.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
