broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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