I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
