I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
