Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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