Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
