I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
