my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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