her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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