just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
