Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
