i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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