its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
