im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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