I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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