and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
