never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
