It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
