she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
