My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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