Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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