You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
