Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
