When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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