she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
