I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
