im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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