i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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