All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
