girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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